Charlee's Love Dare

Ok so I am behind again

2008-11-07T09:33:00.000-08:00

I did complete day 6 I just need to write it and I am going on to day 7. I still have not gotten a list of day 5 things (procrastinator) So I will be back this weekend to blog about the 2 days today we are taking Breven to see Madagascar he has been waiting 6mo for this movie so its a special day for him.

More day 5

2008-11-03T10:46:00.000-08:00

Well I asked Brad almost a week ago to give me my list of 3 things and so far only 1. So I am moving to day 6 today and continuing to ask him for his list of 3. As for that one thing he says its my lack of organization. My cabinets tend to get messy and so does our room. So if anyone has any ideas to help me please pass them along!

On a good note Sunday Brad moved all of his things back home and has now officially moved back in. It feels good to have him back. I am not saying that things are perfect we still have work to do but its better then it was.

I want to thank everyone who has prayed for us and helped us out through all of this. I also ask that you continue to pray for us because there is still work to be done.

Where have I been???

2008-11-01T12:39:00.000-07:00

OK so most of you are wondering what happened did I give up or what? Nope I have not given up! Brad has been out of town and he never gave me my 3 things list and I didn't give him his but I do plan on doing that tonight so I can move on to day 6. Not that I couldn't have come back to day 5 and move forward but I want to stay on track.

Thursday a very good friend of mine Tonda and I went and saw Fireproof. Needless to say we were both crying at the end. It was such a touching movie and to see what I was reading and doing being done and working was an awesome feeling. Some of the first days I have to say I felt just like the main character. I didn't put as much in as I should have so that's why I am taking the time to do day 5 and make it serious.

Friday morning I thought Brad was in meetings all day but he surprised me and the kids by showing up at my mom's at 7:30am for breakfast. He got up extra early and drove home to see us before he had to be back at his office. It was so awesome to see him and to see that he got up early and sacrificed sleep to come see us.

Today he is out dirt bike riding with his friends which it was hard to let him go and not throw a total fit over it I mean he has been gone since Wednesday and this week he had to work late an extra night. But I did it and I didn't say anything negative(day1) and he actually said since I didn't say anything about him going it makes him want to come home sooner and he is not staying out overnight like the person who invited him had asked. So I guess this is starting to work for us.

My plan is to continue this 40 day journey the best I can but it may take more then 40 days but that's OK. Tonight we are having a talk about those 3 things that bother us and I have some heartfelt things that I need to say to him.

Day 5 Love is not rude

2008-10-29T08:22:00.000-07:00

Day 5's thought is Love is not rude. You know those little things you do that annoy, bother or make your spouse uncomfortable those are considered rude. When we first started dating everyone had that face or that persona we would put on so that we were not rude or didn't hurt their feelings what happens to that when we get married? We can be pouty and mad one minuet but when the doorbell rings we are all smiles well that's basically the concept for day 5.

We need to go back and think of the things we do that bother the other partner and try to stop doing them. Simple enough right? Wrong after years of doing this it becomes a part of your routine and you have to make a conscious effort to change what you do.

The task for day 5 was to ask your spouse to tell you 3 things that bother them or make them un comfortable without justification for your actions try to change them to the best of your ability. I asked Brad to do this for me and I never got an answer before he left (he is out of town until Friday for work) but he did something odd he asked me to do the same for him.

I am working on his 3 I know one for sure is to work on his letting me know where he is and when he will be returning. He will say I am going to home depot and that turns into a trip to home depot, wal-mart, the auto parts store and fast food. But if he would have told me he was doing all of that I wouldn't have made lunch or what ever I was waiting on him for because it was supposed to be a short trip. Also it drives me nuts when he doesn't let me know he will be late for dinner I try to feed Breven on time and I wait for him and if he is late that interrupts and we eat cold dinner.

So tomorrow I hope to have my list finished while he is gone and I plan to continue to do things from the previous days while he is gone. I find myself missing him now when he isn't home. But some good news is he took his name off the call out list for the desert! That's exciting because he has never said no to a call out since he has started this job.

Day 4 Love is thoughtfull

2008-10-28T08:39:00.000-07:00

Remember in the beginning when you thought about your spouse all the time? When you would call just to check in or to see how their day was? When you truly love someone you think about them in everything that you do all day long. I remember calling him every day then he would get mad at my calling and I just got too busy to call.

So day 4 asked me to call him with no agenda just to see how his day was going and to see if there was anything I could do for him. When I did he liked that I had called and he had nothing for me to do. If felt nice to lift his spirits a little because it wound up being a long day and night for him.

I plan to continue to do this if not a call then at least a text to see how his day is going. Maybe even a funny picture of the kids during the day.

I am going to have to do the texts the next few days as he will be out of town for work in meetings and staying in a hotel.

He is working on moving his stuff back home and spending more time here with us and me in the coming weeks.

The Weekend

2008-10-27T14:42:00.000-07:00

Well I held off on reading any further because we had a hectic weekend planned. Saturday my Aunt and Grandma came out for the kids baptism and Brad was helping an Aunt and Uncle move (no not the ones that dis-invited me to Christmas) then Sunday was booked with Church and lunch after.

So I worked really hard on day's 1-3 things to put them into regular practice. I made sure to be less negative, to be nicer and to think of the little things. Which I did and I can feel us getting closer as days go on. I know he has made some changes and his heart has opened. I think the kids baptism has really made a difference for him.

He is pretty much moved back home he has not stayed away at all this week and he may be moving his stuff back soon. He has a trip out of town for work and we both said we will actually miss each other a lot this time.

So I just read day 4 and will have that posted tomorrow.

Day 3 Cont.

2008-10-24T10:08:00.000-07:00

So last night I made Brad's frame and got the pictures all together and he came home last night and liked his surprise! This morning since Breven was at my mom's I had time to sleep in so I got up at 5am when he got in the shower and made him a surprise lunch. When he came out he was surprised by the lunch (I hate packing lunch) and then he said "I wish you would have told me I am going out to lunch today" well it turned out OK he had it for breakfast instead.

I am beginning to feel like we are making a better connection and that things are truly looking up this time. Last night he went shopping for new clothes and was actually excited to show me and I was excited to see them. Marriage counseling is going much better then the last round and this person seems to understand us and our situation better and the fact that he is Christian and has a background in theology doesn't hurt.

This weekend is the kids baptism on Sunday he is going with us and we registered with the Church as a family at his request. He is even going to get our first picture as a family of 4 that day. We are also looking forward to taking holiday pictures this year.

Why blog about it??

2008-10-23T20:12:00.000-07:00

Ihave been asked why blg this expirence? Why share your issues with everyone? Well to be honest there are some pretty good reasons to share my journey.....

Accountability- This is a way to make me stick to it and to be accountable to finish what I started and to keep me on track.
Support and prayer- This is for me to get the support that I need of my family and friends and the prayers of many. Because with God, myself and my friends and family Brad and I can make this work.
For others- This is to prove to others that a relationship might be able to be saved with some hard work and changes by both partners. To show that marriage isn't all sunshine, rainbows and I love you's that there is hard work involved and sometimes things don't always work out. Then there are the times that do and the love and trust and understanding can happen.
For me- To have a place to vent, to get ideas, feedback and input on what's going on and to get the perspective of others to help me on my journey.

I feel that by sharing this experience with others that it will inspire them to look at their own relationship and see what areas they lack or have success in and thank God for the things that work and to ask for help with those that don't work. Because God needs to be in every marriage and every relationship that we have and hold dear to us.

Day 3 Love is not selfish

2008-10-23T17:24:00.000-07:00

I had to combine day 2 and day 3 and day 3 has extended over to day 4 so I am stopping to catch up.

So I was still trying to think of an act of kindness that was bigger then the usual little things that I do and so I continued to day 3. Day 3's dare love is not selfish. We often are told by society and ourselves to put ourselves first well to be honest being selfish is wrong but we all do it. For me I can admit I am selfish I was raised as pretty much an only child and so my world always consisted of me and my wants and my needs. So the challenge is to put your partners needs first and in turn others needs above your own. Not to the point of where you neglect yourself but to an acceptable level. So day 3 asks to continue to not be negative and to get a gift and present it saying this is because I was thinking about you today.

Now that sounds easy right? Wrong! Brad doesn't like gifts or cards he thinks that it's a waste and that we shouldn't have to do that for each other. So my challenge was even harder (hence me having to skip a day then come back) So I have been racking my brain trying to think of what to get that isn't expensive yet relays the fact that I was thinking about him. So I had a plan (which part of I still may do) He has a business trip this next week and I was going to make him a goodie bag. You know snacks for the hotel, a magazine, and some travel items( one of his travel items recently broke open and messed up his bag.) So I was planning on getting it all together while out doing errands which didn't work because he already got the magazine and he is not sharing information with me as to what he needs (I may get nosey in his bag)

As I was getting ready to leave town he called and we got into an argument on the phone. Which was resolved pretty fast and discussed in marriage counseling. It was a lack of communication on my part which we are working on I am not so good at opening up and being honest about how I am feeling. I fear retaliation not that he retaliates much but it's in my past that my feelings have come back to bite me in the rear.

Well I was out today and had a spark of genius (well actually my mom did) we were at the craft store and I know Brad loves things you make yourself so I got a new picture frame to decorate for his desk at work with a new picture of the kids. I got together all the stuff to make and I am going to do that tonight and make a little thinking about you card.

Day 2 Love is kind

2008-10-22T15:00:00.000-07:00

OK so let me start off by saying that since he has moved out he has been spending more time hanging out with friends that was one of his issues is that I would complain when he wanted to hang out with his guy friends. So since he has moved out he takes full advantage of his time and also I think he doesn't want to be a burden on those he stays with all the time so being out makes him an almost un-noticeable house guest. So he says when he moves back that he will have friend time but not to the extent that he has. There have to be compromises made and along with that he will need to step up and watch both kids so I can have time out and not just him. My time out is limited as he would never watch Breven as an infant so that limited me and now with Aubree being an infant he is going to have to get over his fears and just jump in.

Day 2 love is kind. The challenge of the day was to continue to say nothing negative again and to do an act of kindness. So I started out that morning I was going to make him lunch to take to work but that idea failed he rode his motorcycle. Idea two was to clean up his truck since it was home that idea was no good as he detailed his car on Sunday. It was hard to think of something as I always do his laundry and other stuff around the house daily. The only thing I could do was to make him a nice drink when he got home late form work and let him sleep. Now I know that I have always done acts of s for him or little I was thinking of you things all the time. But to add to that was hard with him not living here.

So since day 2 was kind of a bust I am going to combine a bit of day 2 into day 3 today.

Day 1 Love is Patient

2008-10-21T14:06:00.000-07:00

OK so day 1 was love is patient and if you know me well I have a quick temper when it comes to anyone but my kids so this was a hard one. My first assignment was to say nothing negative to Brad at all yesterday. Which I was able to stick to. Because it also said if you have nothing nice to say choose to say nothing which is what I had to do one time. I do have to say that holding my tongue may heave led Brad to feeling safe enough to come home last night. He wasn't feeling well had a stomach ache and heart burn and he couldn't sleep so he left the house he was staying at and came home after 2am maybe closer to 3am and slept here with me and slept in late and woke up with me and the kids around 6:30am.

So what did I keep myself from saying you may ask? Brad has been spending a lot of time out with his friends since moving out. I mean in the last week he spent Wednesday night with the guys, Thursday with his sport bike group, Friday at a friends, Saturday with me and Sunday evening with a friend. One of his friends even said something to him that maybe he never should have told me but he did which makes me wonder what this friends intentions are and what kind of influence he will have on Brad during the time we are trying to reconcile.So Monday night rolls around and he says he is going to a get together with people from work for a going away party. Immediately I wanted to snap and say no way what are you doing? Why are you spending all this time with your friends and not at home? But I remained calm and said nothing. Afterwards I prayed that he would realize that I miss him and want to spend time with him and that he would call me or come home. And sure enough in the wee hours of the morning there he was in the house in the bed with me.

He has said that when he does move back in his time with friends will not be as much but I am waiting to see if that's what he sticks to. I am not going to hassle him about it but see where his heart leads him.

What I am doing

2008-10-20T10:50:00.000-07:00

I am currently working on my marriage as all my readers know so I purchased a book called The Love Dare featured in the movie Fireproof. I have not seen the movie yet and I hope to go soon but I heard it's powerful. So I thought well this may help us out so I took myself to Berean and purchased the book and started reading a few pages and decided that this could work for us.

So I am going to journal each day as to what I read and what I did and how it went. I am asking my friends and family to pray for us through this hard time and that this 40 days makes a difference in our relationship and our relationship and our family will be saved.

It's not going to be easy some of the tasks challange the way I think and the way I do and react to things which needs to be changed. It also asks hard questions of me and for Brad to answer.